Things to remember when watching the Packer playoff game with kids around:
1. Remember to use substitute curse words when the ref screws up a call. Words like fudge, heck, gosh, darn, donkey and fiddlesticks may not express what you want to say, but won’t land your kid in the office when he repeats it next week during recess.
2. Use commercial breaks and half time to acknowledge the existence of your offspring. That little nod of recognition will remind your child that you love them as much as you love Donald Driver and Brett Favre.
3. Try not to throw food at the television. Kids face consequences for flea flicking a school lunch hot dog in the cafeteria. Set a good example.
4. Don’t yell at your loved ones to bring you another beer. Sneak into the kitchen and get one when the kids are otherwise occupied. Put the cans in paper bags before tossing them into the recycling bin so you don’t embarrass them with “Can Mountain” when their friends come over to pick them up for school on Tuesday.
5. Try to get at least one non-football related chore done by pre-game. It shows you have a great work ethic and will immediately transfer to your children who will rush to their rooms to fold their clothes.
6. Don’t sit with the nachos directly in your lap. Your children learn proper manners from you. Put them on the floor next to your La-Z-boy, so other people know they can have some too.
7. Try not to get so drunk that you are hanging on the necks of your neighbors and friends. Kids try that at school and they get stern reminders to keep their hands to themselves.
8. If the Packers lose, don’t hide your tears. It’s good for children to see you letting your feelings show. Sob into pillows or couch cushions so children learn that although it’s okay to cry, but it’s not okay to wake up the people who passed out all around you.
9. Be a good winner. If the Packers win, try not to email, call or text message everyone you know who supported New York, no matter how strong the urge. Be dignified. Go right to their homes and keep ringing the doorbell until they are forced to let you in. Run around their house, smiling and hugging everyone, even the pets and then run out again. This will be extremely annoying and make your point beautifully without verbal taunting.
10. Go back home and explain to your kids that it doesn’t matter if you win or lose. The most important thing is to have fun. Now, uncross your fingers and bask in the glow of good parenting.
Go Pack.
