Do you feel the Oscar buzz? Me neither. I don’t know who goes to those parties here in cow country, but I know there are some; people who get dressed up like stars and go out for a night of oysters on the half shell and beer, then sit and watch TV. Dressed up football. It always comes back to that, doesn’t it? It’s an upscale tailgate party with the common goal of getting drunk and not caring that much who wins and who loses.
So we’ve had the Grammy’s, the Golden Globes, and now the Oscars. It‘s time for an awards show for educators. Can you think of anything more exciting? The first thing on the agenda would have to be creation of a trophy. It would have to be a worn out looking person with a canvas bag slung over his or her shoulder. There should be white line across the buttocks area because that’s where the chalk rubs off when we back into the board. The figure would have to be detailed with a coffee cup with about 3 or 4 rings around the inside hooked on an index finger sporting lines of black Sharpie.
That done, we can roll out the red paper and watch the “stars” as they enter the cafeteria for an evening of glitter and glamour. Take your places on the folding chairs, it’s time to begin. Here are the winners:
Best Musical Score: This would have to go to the director of the band over at Shorewood High School. It’s not easy to piece together eight songs in 2/4 time that mix the might of gladiators with the appeal of Disney.
Best Costume Design: This has to go to the elementary school staffs every year on Halloween, who take virtually minutes of preparation for this event. Their designs have become classics, as returning students can confirm. The gorilla suit of the 80s is a winner in any decade.
Best Art Direction: This goes to the primary teachers who have managed to make turkeys out of nothing but recyclables and googly eyes year after year. Well done.
Best Cinematography: The secretaries have compiles hours of film exposing the hundreds of people who attempt to get in through parking lot doors when they are supposed to enter through the main corridors. These are people who fake ignorance, appeal for exception, swear this to be one time request, and those who make up lame excuses as to why they are trying to get in. It’s all on tape. Congratulations to school secretary security squads everywhere.
Best Original Screenplay: This is awarded to those people leading the charge for teachers to put plans in stone and commit their ideas to curriculum map for once and for all. Their attempts to use new software to lay out every teacher’s plans, goals, lessons and standards met can only be described as Herculean. Getting people to stick to script will no doubt land them next year’s award for “Biggest Believer in Miracles”.
Best Director: While it may be assumed that this award would go to the superintendent, in a shocking unanimous vote, it goes instead to the economy. Nothing has influenced production decisions more than budget, so if there is any more money left to buy it, the statue should go to the dough.
Best Supporting Actor/Actress: Custodians are the spine of the schools; they and secretaries. Truth be told, if either one of those troupes would go on strike, schools would have to close down in about 17 minutes. Teachers have no secretarial skills. We don’t even know when 100s day is half the time. This year it was celebrated between days 96 and 103 thereby illuminating the disorienting consequences of working with little kids all year. Our secretarial deficiencies are only surpassed by those in the area of custodial work. Fixing things? Not really our strength.
Best Actor/Actress: These awards would have to be accepted on behalf of all the students in schools everywhere because kids are the greatest thespians. Watch one of them when someone accidentally bumps him getting into line. He will grab his shoulder, hunch over and then slowly unroll to the ground while moaning, and looking through only slightly open eyes to see if the teacher has spotted him yet. Need more proof? Ask kids who didn’t bring homework in why they didn’t.
So there you have it. This year’s awards and nominees. While maybe not as thrilling as the real ones, we ought to be able to be as self-congratulatory as anyone else.
Thank you, and goodnight.
