A Fine Line

I have not given high school debate team coaches enough credit. Who knew how much was involved in a debate that has nothing to do with the actual topic? I’ve underestimated the potential of little kids who can convince me of anything; and to think I’ve accused them of being liars with their pants on fire. I should have given more time to observing what was good about their pitches, regardless of what they said. I learned this week, that when all else is sort of equal, other things take precedence when evaluating the success or demise of participants.

First of all kids, for the love of God, wear something that shows devotion to your school. A lapel pin, t-shirt, band uniform, or at least school colors somewhere, although avoid the urge to paint them in halves, across your chests or faces Debates are not Packer games, and girls especially, your reputations are on the line. Oh, and don’t wear high contrast stripes because the vertigo one can feel when seeing them on television detracts from the point you are hoping to make. Stoic, subtle, funereal=perceived acumen.

Debate team members probably know this, but little kids can reap the benefits of these lessons, too. When you grow enough to stand behind a lectern, lean in when you are making your case. Make it look as though the point you are making right at that moment is one you are willing to fall on your microphone-sword for, it is just that important.

Take everyone in with your eyes. Swivel-head your expressions so that all can see the splendor that is you, kind of like Elvis used to do. That leaves the impression you are singing to each person, message passed through the genuine, emotional connection between your eyes and theirs. Look at your opponent when you take him on so the pundits, or school newspaper reporters see that you aren’t afraid to look someone in the eye before you kick him in the knee. Perfect choreography and clever assemblage of words and implication. If you can’t look your opponent in the eye, look only at the moderator, or straight ahead at the audience in their underwear, but we warned that it only makes you look grumpy, mean-spirited and as though you are trying to keep from ripping your opponent’s heart out and eating it.

On the bright side…Don’t worry about factual accuracy. By the time people check out all the questionable statements, it will be over and forgotten; so say what you want and if it is a lie, repeat it over and over and over again. Interrupt the flow of words from across the stage with utterances of, “That’s not true” or “That’s not what I said. “ Smirk, pretend you are writing, or look confused at what the other debater is saying and don’t agree with any part of anything your opponent says. Argue every point, even if you have to bring into question your opponent’s sincerity after he says he is happy to be there, or who arrived at the venue first in anticipation of this possibly campaign ending collision of preparations. Express your exasperation loudly and often, except don’t sigh or check your watch while you’re doing it. Eventually the listeners will surrender to your reality, especially if you have almost two years to create it.

When the debate has ended, sprint around the podium to be the first to extend your gracious hand for all to see. Cuff the fingers of the other around his forearm as you shake into him the fear, and resurrect the hidden belief that he really is as inadequate as his parents and teachers always told him he was. Curtain drops. Mission accomplished.

Congratulations.

Hey Mr. Paulson! I hear you are open to ideas as to how to address this sticky wicket that is the world economy. Here’s how we do it in our school districts. Feel free to borrow any of these as an answer to the question, “Where the #+!# are we going to get more money from?”

Schools generally have to start at fundraising. This creates a one-for-all mentality that can sometimes raise thousands of dollars. New playgrounds have been funded by the non-stop dedication of residents and organizers. This kind of effort is massive and calls for buy-in by a large block of the school and community. So, Mr. Paulson, you could make a big thermometer and stick in on Wall St. Try to get the populace to donate money for a bailout and use a red marker to color in the rising red line of goal achievement. What would entice us, though? Schools have found that candy bars have always been good sellers, but be sure to get healthy ones without nuts if you really want to move them. You can market them as energy bars. Stockbrokers and CEOs can go door to door with their blackberries to take orders. Yeah, we know. It’s hard work.

Well okay, try this. Start carving off the turkey. Cuts have to be made, we get that one too. Start with the non-people; start with things like paper, hardware, chairs, big display boards and bells. The next piece to be plated will have to be power usage. Get those coffee pots out of there, and keep the doors closed or open all the time depending on the ever-changing New York weather. No more AC either. It has really paid off in the elementary schools. Sure, it gets hot but little kids hardly even notice unless they have PE or recess outside in the bright sun on a heat grabbing blacktop playground. It’s only for six or seven hours. Also, hot buildings increase the number of early retirement requests by women over 50. Get rid of them and hire new ones at half the cost. Now that’s economics. You can also stretch the people you have by making them work two jobs instead of one, in the same amount of time they are used to working. Have some of the big mucky-mucks serve in two different places. They can work half the day at Goldman Sachs and half the day at AIG, for example. They can have little offices in each, but no refrigerator, Mr. Coffee or fans. That cuts out a whole salary! If you don’t think it’s possible, ask a public school music or art teacher. You could probably even talk someone into taking on three places. Spend every other day in each building. While it may be seen as token leadership, at least you can say it’s there.

The third and most controversial cut will have to be people. This is done by attrition, and over time. Someone retires or quits and no one is hired for replacement. Someone ends up doing two jobs instead of their already impossible one, but times are tough so we do what we have to do. Teach kindergarten music in the morning and social anthropology in the afternoon. Likewise, you could have employees work the stock market in the morning and oh…say custodian in the afternoon. You’ll be whacking away at that turkey carcass like a Benihana table chef! Along with the employee cuts, however, go the programs they were in charge of. Wow, it sucks to be us. However, things will improve, or as our standards lower, it will at least seem like they did.

Can I have a Warren Buffett bailout with a side of tax cuts, please?

What kids don’t need.

Competition that allows parents to get involved: These include science fairs, best costume contests, poster contests and anything else kids do in a home where winning becomes the goal at the expense of the experience. Halloween is a huge day for kids, but turning it into a competition changes the focus and provides another opportunity for some kids to feel uncomfortable, some victorius and many left out of the experience. Kids don’t need any help loving Halloween and let's face it...nobody likes science fairs except the kids with the cool experiments that involve explosions, something gross or candy.

Contests: If there is a contest, there is a parent who will do just about anything to win it. It becomes every contest they never won or yet another in a long string of victories. This can involve milk caps, labels, box tops and other things corporations have suckered us all into in attempts to increase their profits. These items become desired, or we adjust our shopping habits to help our children “win”. This also goes for the sales of things. October brings a slew of merchandise children are asked to sell, create, or push in order to raise money for the school, a trip, or who knows what else. In every employee lunch room you will find open order forms with a pen laying across it, trying to guilt people into buying stuff they would never buy otherwise (I’m talking to you, scented candles). How do you tell a fellow worker that you won’t buy a candy bar to help her child get to Italy to be in a concert, even when you are working two jobs to be able to afford a few more frozen pizzas?

I remember my father, who was a doctor, taking my Girl Scout cookie sheet to the hospital, and came back with a couple hundred dollars worth of orders. He signed up for 60 himself. I knew it was he who deserved the patch for most cookies sold to immediate family. I think we cold just be honest and make these contests for parents.

External incentives: Children don’t need awards to do good works. Children can get extremely excited about doing something good for others. They like to keep track of how many cans they bring in for a food drive, but have no idea who brought what. Children have big hearts and don’t yet realize that people think they should get some kind of reward for everything they do. Adults screw everything up when they take what could be a perfectly altruistic, goal oriented event and cheapen it by turning it into another contest. Kids aren’t the ones who need them. “But,” you will say, “they LOVE contests!” That’s because we have them. Kids also love accomplishing a goal or doing something just for fun. Children don’t need stickers on math papers, stars, points, or prizes. They just want to learn stuff and think of themselves as a smart kid. You might say, “But kids love to get little rewards!” That’s because we give them.

We have made them important.

There are schools that give parents the option of forgoing the fundraisers and pleas for contributions by just writing a check for some block amount. If not that, then really go for it. Send out emails every few days asking for donations of even 5 bucks. Mid-year start asking for $25. Do this for the whole year. It has worked pretty well for politicians. I would bet after a year of this, parents would gladly do the block check thing.

While some fantastic and important things have been done through fundraisers (many of which I have benefited from), I can’t help but think about the big city school I left many years ago. It didn’t even bother having fundraisers. Few people had funds. The playground there was a slab of blacktop with hints of bases painted on. Fences were high and every staff member on duty had a walky-talky in case a fight broke out. I left when we started doing safety drills to get kids into the school quickly in the event that gunfire broke out in the neighborhood. I think about that place every October when the fund raising starts. Maybe sometime, schools will have fundraisers for other schools. That would be a great service project for anyone fortunate enough to be looking for one. The reward would be intangible and unforgettable.

I’m trying to figure out how qualified a teacher would seem to be for a vice-presidential run after retirement. It might be kind of awesome. Cheney set the grumpiness bar a bit high, but we have our days when nothing goes our way. We think we’ve settled a fight between the bully and the hothead but just when the dust around the line in the sand settles, there they go again. It can make a person really angry. We do have the “So?” thing down, though. That has been our answer for years to statements like, “I don’t want to write in my journal.” or “It’s too cold to go outside for recess.” We definitely have that one tight. What teacher hasn’t thought something was a good idea, put in a requisition slip for funding or wrote a seven page grant request, got rejected but still got all the money?

Let’s see, what else. Oh, there’s the executive decision thing. I actually counted how many decisions I make every day and it came to about 30 an hour which would be 210 a day and after 35 years that equals 7,350. Some of these made the difference between empty bladder and wet, smelly denial-pants. You have to know how to read people if you’re a teacher. Kids will lie through their teeth. Very good for those long, drawn out negotiations which, from the start, you know you will win anyway.

Leadership. I figure that most teachers of retirement age have governed a population greater than that of Alaska, albeit stretched out over a longer period of time. Clearly to us, 20 months of Pied Pipering a state of 9000 people ages 0-80 and living 350 months with 30 six year olds in close physical proximity from early morning through the afternoon just simply can’t compare. It’s like comparing bee-bee guns to high powered AK47s. The teachers get this one, hands down.

International experience. Teachers come into contact with actual people from many countries of the world. In one school year you may come to know Pakistanis, Central and South Americans, Thai, African, Japanese, Iraqis, Russians, Texans, Aussies, Brits and Mexicans every day. We actually learn about their cultures and beliefs and most teachers are very well traveled, credit or no credit.

Grit. The teaching profession eats nice teachers up and spits them out. Those who make it through even five years are tough as nails and ready to shoot a moose at any moment with very little prompting. They would even eat it raw, that's how tough we are. Moosimi with wasabi. Yum. Many of us have really cool glasses too, and 3 ½ inch red high heels, although it’s hard to walk across playground woodchips in them.

So teachers, thanks to this election cycle you have another option after you retire other than taking gourmet cooking classes or subbing in a system you worked hard to retire from. You don’t have to travel with a bunch of old ladies to Alaska to view it from a train or hook up with some RV owner who thinks it a good idea to travel cross-country for the rest of his life. Go get some yard signs, canvas, phone bank and get involved. When an opening for village president comes along, jump on it. You’ll have a whole year or two to prepare for your nomination.

What a country.

School parent orientations are starting. I remember going to those; listening to the teacher talk about curriculum and clerical issues. They had copies of the textbooks out for us to look through, sign up sheets to get people to bring napkins and cups for parties, and talked to us about having a place for children to do their homework at home. That was all fine. The orientation session that made the most impact, however, was an elementary teacher who took her place at the front of the room and started out by telling us how great our kids were. She went on to talk about all the things she understood. She knew that some parents had young children, blended families, messy divorces, stressful jobs and gave everyone a little slack for the underperformance we all feared as school aged kids’ parents. She said she’d gone through everything in her lifetime, and was very convincing. We all came to know that she was someone who had feelings.

She talked of how much fun she had with this group of children and how smart they all were. She made it clear that expectations were high, but exceptions would be granted unconditionally when times were tough. She treated us like adults who were trying our best to do the right thing.

When you go to orientation see if you get a sense of what kind of person that teacher is. Is the person a bundle of nerves? Disorganized? Serious? Stoic? That doesn’t mean a darn thing on its face. Give him or her chance to unfold. Speaking in front of a group of parents is much harder than leading a class in a chorus of Goober Peas. Listen for them to mention how they feel about your children, what they have planned for them and how much they are allowed to take ownership of the classroom they will spend most of their time in for an entire year. How does that teacher build a classroom community so that they care for one another and keep competition on the playground? Does that teacher require students to solve problems with one another with one another? If there is a lot of point keeping, it’s a red flag. It could be a sign that this teacher doesn’t trust that his or her teaching will draw out the natural willingness of children to work and learn. The more students are manipulated by externals, the less we get to know who they really are. Do they have a chance to goof up? To make bad decisions? If not, they are being deprived of the lasting impression a bad decision leaves.

If your child’s teacher goes on and on about curriculum and rules, you may want to think about asking that teacher what his or her teaching philosophy is, what his or her feelings are about children and why they work with that particular age level. A teacher who finds kids remarkable human beings in the primes of their lives will create a classroom where children can thrive, grow, depend on one another and push themselves to understand more. There will be the occasional snapping of rubber bands on each other’s backsides, but all in all the community created will be one that is real.

P.S. When you go, don’t ask the teacher how your child is doing. We are in a hurry at the end of orientation and want to get home after what turns out to be an 11 hour day. “Fine.” is about all we’ll be able to muster.

About a year ago I wrote a piece about what architects should consider when planning an elementary school. They need to remember that most elementary teachers are female and not quite as tall as most windows and accessories require. I joked about having to push a chair up to the collar of counters, climb on our knees to pry open the windows, that is if they aren’t locked. The guys who came to change the screens couldn’t pull them down from the top, either. I understood. To open those, you have to take a long pole with a hook and insert it into a loop about 15’ up in the air. Then you’re supposed to pull. It looks like a bad Cirque du Soleil act if they are stuck. Your feet come off the ground and you pull down with all your might. When you’re exhausted, you just pull and dangle while you catch your breath. All this, on a 45° angle.

Well, it happened. My colleague across the hall slipped off the top of the counter and broke her wrist in so many pieces she has to have surgery. It is in her old bones’ memory I write this rant. There are few viable solutions to this problem, but anyone in the newly added part of the building has it. I offer these suggestions:

After this gets done, how about lowering the bulletin boards, postings, white boards and chalkboards so the kids can actually reach them, and then let’s get those TV’s off the ceiling so students don’t have to lie on the floor to see them?

I have to put on my helmet, wrist and knee pads now. I’m about to head over to school.

Nothing brings a group together like shouting about how bad another group is. You see it in politics; maybe you’ll start seeing it more often at school. We can start subtly, when we ask first graders, “Didn’t they teach you how to do that in kindergarten?” or “Who was your teacher last year?” Instant bonding. The lacking to the substantial. Belittling previous teachers makes kids think you’re really smart and that they’re lucky to have you, the brightest, best teacher in the whole school. The school that is so much better than that other school could ever be. In a village that is so much better than our village-friend to the north is.

Ironic that we have our first character education assembly this week. Teachers urge children to live a life of good character, to be caring, fair, compassionate, and respectful as we also address how elections work in the United States. We’ve taken the Disney World approach to teaching social studies telling kids that office holders have important jobs to help citizens stay safe and live the best lives they can. That politicians are special helpers in our country and they have those jobs because they have ideas that most people think are good, and then they got the most votes. What a crock.

Character Education during a presidential campaign is probably not a great idea. In the interest of honesty, maybe we could, every four years, teach kids how to be cut-throat, scheming, chess players who are great wordsmiths and even better word warriors. If we follow the lead of our leaders, dirty politics is the only thing that works. I guess if we’re dumb enough to believe what we’re told just because we’re told it, we deserve the presidents we get. Give me a student who annoys me by asking me why over a student who does whatever he or she is told just because I say so. Respect your elders doesn’t really work and probably never has. We hear about so many adult bottom feeders. Respect your elders if they deserve respect is closer, but then one has to do some investigation around that word deserve.

I’m frustrated that we are teaching children about how presidents are elected while at the same time they are seeing on plasma screens at home, how presidents are really elected. It will look to them as though it is through a lot of screaming, booing, clapping on the beat and bad dancing on piling confetti that moves people to attack one, with a vote for another. I’m pretty sure if we held a mock political campaign in our classroom, plenty of phone calls would be made to the office complaining about our teaching methods. I’ll continue the Disney version where everyone is nice, and be very, very glad that I teach little kids.